The Magic Queendom
by libbykun
Summary: The ISIS crew were working a case at Walt Disney World when a magic bomb went off switching everyone's gender. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was given a challenge by a friend and I too it running. I don****'****t own Archer or anything related- would be fun if I did Though. Everything owned by whoever owns it. All mistakes are my own. **

**Now****… ****On to the fun. *clink***

"How was I supposed to know, MOTHER?" Archer stood in the middle of Main Street shouting at Malory who had her arms crossed over her chest, a small bottle of liquor that she had snuck into the theme park grasped in one of her hands.

"We told you not to touch it Archer. But did you listen? NOOOooo.. Sterling Archer knows EVERYTHING!" Lana shouted at him from behind him. "You never listen to a damn thing anyone has to say but you. Even then you don't even listen."

"Really Lana? We're gonna go there? If you hadn't been so busy hitting on Prince Eric, who would never sleep with someone with such freakishly large hands by the way, when we got here, we'd have figured out what was going on already. Then I could have finished setting up that…" Archer countered.

Lana rolled her eyes at him while cutting him off. "Really Archer, You're going to go there? Do you really think that a group of princesses would have really done THAT with YOU? They have better taste than that."

"If you both are quite finished," Malory interrupted the both of them. "We need to get Krieger on the phone and fix whatever happened when Archer se-"

"MOM!"

"OK, fine, when WHOEVER set that bomb off. I'm not spending the rest of my life looking like something off of RuPaul's Drag Race." She spread her arms open to demonstrate her point.

"Heh, heh, heh, mom, you look ridiculous. It's actually kind of gross. Its almost grosser than Lana." Archer laughed.

"Oh haha. Have you seen yourself? If your tits were any bigger, you'd tear that shirt." Lana defended.

"Dude, I have seen myself. Its pretty epic. Though these things are kind of a pain in the ass. I hope I can still shoot with them in the way. And damn, are they heavy." Archer cupped and played with his chest for a minute while looking down at them. "I make a way better woman than you do a man."

"Oh, what ever. Can we please get on with this? I'd like to have my body back sometime soon. I hate to say it but I actually agree with your mom." Lana countered before pulling at the hem of her skirt.

Pulling a phone out of the same bag she had stored the liquor in and pressing a few buttons, she took a long pull from the bottle while it rang, for once glad she wasn't going to be on e the business end of one of her son's ludicrous voicemail messages. Archer snatched the phone away from her as she continued to drink.

A couple of rings more and Archer started talking.

"Krieger, we have a problem," he started, "We have a, oh ha hah thats hilarious, it's Archer stupid. No I will not send you a, SHUT UP. Listen. A bomb went off and now were all opposite." he paused for a moment listening before he continued, "Yeah, they're pretty big. But we need to fix this. Mom and Lana are being pissy because…"

Lana snatches the phone from Archer and gets to business. "OK, so look, we all swapped. Archer is a woman and Malory and I are men, It looks like everyone else in the park is the same. Kinda awkward seeing dudes running around in sundresses and heels. What can you do to fix it?" A pause before continuing, "No, I don't KNOW what was in the bomb. If I did, then I wouldn't have needed to call you, dumbass."

Krieger's now pitchy voice could be heard over the line. "Don't call me a dumbs if you want my help. I don't know how to fix something I didn't know was possible… Though not that I haven't, nevermind."

Lana made an irritated sound before she continued. "Look, I'm going to send you a picture of the thing that I got before ARCHER set the damn thing off. Look and see what you can make of it then call us back when you have an idea. We're going to see if we can't just figure out who threatened the senator's family and brought of to this god forsaken place." She jammed the end call button and threw the phone back at Malory who had finished the bottle of alcohol. "Happiest place on Earth my ass" she mumbled.

Marching off down Mainstreet towards Cinderella's castle, she grabbed Archer's arm to make him follow her.

"Lana, hands off the suit, this thing costs more than you make in a year." Archer complained pulling himself from her grip.

"Look Archer, we need to finish this job, get Krieger to fix whatever the hell you did when you set off that bomb and then MAYBE I can start to forgive you for the whole damn mess.

"Um, OK, but that bomb wouldn't have gone off if YOU would have just let m"

"Goddamnit! SHUT UP. Stop making excuses and lets get this over with." Lana demands.

"Fine. So who could be behind something like this. Its not like its a coincidence that we're here to protect some senator's brats and this bomb being here today. I'm mean, really, Its ridiculous, about as ridiculous in that skirt, by the way." He answers and gestures at her.

Lana and Archer approach the castle, but instead of going up over the bridge, she takes a detour towards a door marked 'Cast Only', she opens it and they both head into the darkness under the castle.

"Lana, where are we going?" Archer asked groping in the near blackness of the tunnel.

"I'm not wearing this dress with this body any longer than I have to. And I really don't need to see you in that stupid suit." Lana grabbed him and dragged him along to the dressing room she knew had to be there somewhere.

"What do you mean stupid? This suit cos-"

"More than I make in a year, Shut up Archer. We need to fit in if we're going to get this job done." Lana interrupted.

"OK, fine, but i'm not giving up my tactineck." He answered. A moment later Lana smacked him. "OW! What the hell Lana?!"

"Just shut up and we'll get through thi-" Lana stopped as they entered a huge dressing room full of racks of costumes. "-s. Finally. I knew it was here."

Lana approached the prince's costume rack at the same time Archer did. She shoved him towards one of the several racks filled with princess dresses, laughing inwardly to herself as he paused when he realized what she was wordlessly telling him.

"No Lana. I am Not. No happening." Archer stood frozen to the floor not moving any closer to the dresses.

Lana had picked an outfit that appeared to be the right size off the rack and was heading towards the changing screen when she started yelling at Archer.

"You have to. You can't wear a prince uniform if your a girl. It doesn't work like that. Just grab a damn dress and lets get this done with." She was sliding into the grey pants of Prince Eric's costume. "And don't take all, oh how the fuck do you guys manage with this damn thing?"

"Lana." Archer complained. Lana stepped out from behind the screen pulling the shirt over her head and once she'd pulled it down, saw Archer still standing where she'd left him.

"Goddamit Archer." Lana strode over to one of the racks, grabbed a hanger and shoved the costume towards him as he stood. He seemed to snap out of the shock he was in standing there and went behind the screen to change.

"Lana, why the hell did you pick this one?" he sniped at her.

"Oh please, at least it has pants." She snarked back at him.

Lana could hear him moving behind the screen, thankful for a moment that he had stopped bitching at her. Until she realized he was too quiet. Moving around to see what he was doing, she was only slightly surprised to see him playing with his breasts again.

"Archer! Jesus, can we please just get going? Put your damn shirt on!"

Across the park, Figgis and Gillette were sitting on a bench watching the senator and his kids as they rode on the carousel.

"Thank god we don't actually have to be on that damn thing. The music makes me want to scratch my eyeballs out" Gillette complained out loud.

"Oh c'mon Ray, you can't tell me you never wanted to come here as a kid? Its the most magical place in the world." Cyril asked in response.

Turning to actually grace Cyril with a look of disdain, he answered. "No, Figgis, I didn't. Growing up in the backwoods of West Virginia trying not to be killed by the rest of my family, it wasn't really a dream vacation that crossed my mind."

"Oh." Responded Cyril then changed the topic as he noticed the family moving away from the carousel and towards Its a Small World.

"Oh wonderful. We get to go on one of the most obnoxious rides invented. Where the heck are Archer and Lana and why aren't they living through this hell?"

"Uh, Last I knew they were meeting with Malory about a bomb or something. Though that was probably useless, since that cloud of sparkle came through and everyone is switched. Which, is really weird having breasts. Lana's are nicer." Cyril plodded.

"Oh just great. Though if we switched, then that mean's Lana probably doesn't have tits anymore." He watched Cyril's face drop.

In Frontierland, Katya was in her Peter Pan costume while the now female Barry was squeezing into the Tinkerbell outfit she had given him.

"Really, Katya? Is this necessary?"

"Da. Eet is necessary. Now dat he is a woman, he can know my pain. Zee pain of being woman." Katya explained.

They walked out of the room, her explaining more of the plan. They moved amongst the confused people in the park. Some seemed unsurprised by the change while most seemed thrown for a loop and walked along in a daze.

Katya and Barry walked towards the castle where they hoped to get a jump on Archer before heading to take out the Senator.


	2. Chapter 2

"Lana. This isn't funny." Archer tugged and pulled at the top of the Jasmine costume Lana had forced him into. "Although… This does do terrific things for m-"

"ARCHER! Can you NOT talk about your tits? Yes you have them. All women do. Maybe time like this will help you get a little respect for those of us that are usually women."

"Ha, unlikely." Archer growled. "You know as well as anyone, I don't learn anything, ever."

Lana shook her head at one of the truest things Archer has ever said. She grabbed him and made him follow her back down the corridor and out into the park. Activating her earpiece, Lana contacted Cyril and Gillette.

"Hey Cyril, how are things looking over there? Any signs of the terrorists?" She asked.

Obnoxious music playing in the background, she hoped that they had their eyes on the senator and his family.

"CYRILLLL!" Lana shouted again.

"Jesus! Lana, could you yell any louder? And, yes, we have the target in sight. And I think Ray is going insane. This is like the third time on this ride." Cyril finally responded.

Rolling her eyes, Lana shouted back again. "How's this Cyril? Is this loud enough for you? Because I'm pretty sure that you should have answered the first time I called you!"

"OK Lana, I get it, I get it. Sorry. Geeze. I think being a guy is going yo your head.

"Oh yeah, well maybe being a woman is making you soft, Oh wait. You were already soft as a guy."

"You didn't think it was soft that last time in Malory's office, or the men's room, or those two times in your office." Cyril retorted back.

"Shut up Cyril, or I'll shoot you the next time I see you. Don't think I wont."

"She'll do it. Ask my foot. Shirley Temper here has a history of angry trigger fing-." Archer piped in on the conversation. Lana punches Archer before he can finish his sentence. "Ow, Lana. Really? Hitting a woman? You are a horrible man."

"Oh, just shut up Archer." Lana and Cyril say at the same time.

Having finished her bottle of alcohol just after Lana pulled her son away to carry on with their case, Malory goes in search of more.

"There has to be some kind of liquor in this damned place. I should have smuggled in more."

She walked along the sidewalk amongst the garish vintage style buildings of the Main Street section of the park, looking for somewhere to get a drink. A handsome man in jeans and a t-shirt catches her eye and forgetting that she is currently inhabiting a man's body as well, she approaches him in her usual hands on manner while propositioning him for sex.

The man slaps her across the face much to her surprise. "What kind of lady do you think I am?" he shouts at Malory. "What kind of sicko propositions moms with their kids at Disney World? Asshole."

The man grabs his kids and shuffles them off in a direction away from a stunned Malory. It takes her a minute to realize that she just hit on a woman in a man's body, and that she is a woman in a man's body as well. Rubbing the slap mark on her cheek, she shrugs her shoulders and continues her search for alcohol while shuffling deeper into the park and away from the person she just propositioned.

Taking the left deeper into the park, she found herself entering Frontierland and coming face to face with Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. They seem familiar but writes it off as something she's seen on TV or passed at some point during her three days in the park. She finds a booth, but when the clerk tells her they don't sell alcohol until later in the day, she falls to the floor curing into a ball and crying.

Katya and Barry are walking across the bridge as they cross paths with someone that looks very much like a butch version of Malory Archer. Barry tenses for a moment, but since Malory doesn't react, they continue past as nonchalantly as they can.

"Was that Malory Archer? Should we have just let her go?" Barry asks Katya.

"Da, zat vas Archer's mozer, and nyet, she is not zee mission. Let her live, it is bad enough that she has to life with Sterling. For now." Katy presses her hands together while thinking about the feeling of Sterling's throat between them while she wrings the last breath of life from him.

Barry's radio crackles to life, one of their minions is reporting that they saw two people wearing Archer and Lana's clothing go into a tunnel by the castle and then two characters that resemble them coming out of the same tunnel. The one dressed as a prince yelling at someone named Cyril.

"Zat iz zem. Tell him to follow zem, but not to capture. I want at to be me. I want Archer for myself." Relaying Katya's order, the pair increase their speed to try to catch up to the two ISIS agents.

Exiting Its A Small wold for the third time, the Senator's children clamor at him to go on another ride. Cyril grabs Gillette and leads him out of the ride behind the over excited family.

"Lana. We're finally off that god forsaken ride, though I'm not sure Ray will ever be the same again. He's just letting me drag him along and he's mumbling something that sounds like he'd voluntarily work with Krieger to develop time travel to commit some sort of atrocity I don't even want to contemplate." Cyril reports to Lana.

"Oh thats just GReat. Keep on the Senator and don't let him loose. Where are you heading now. We'll meet you there and get this taken care of." Lana responds. She continues dragging Archer behind her. "Archer, lets get moving. Stop fooling around with those kids."

"Trust me Lana. I am NOT doing this on purpose. Your the one that had to give me a damn princess dress. Can we PLEASE get out of here?" Archer grumped, attempting to push his way through a group of children that seemed to be growing with every passing minute. Following them as they made their way out of the castle.

"CYRIL! Where the hell are you?" Lana again yelled into her headset.

"Jesus Lana. Give the shouting a break or I'm going to be deaf. We're heading towards Tomorrowland and Space Mountain."

"Oh, I'm sorry Cyril. Is my yelling making you deaf? Lana shouted at him again.

"Ha! Tell him! Maybe he'll understand how bad tininess sucks." Archer scoffed in her direction.

"Oh shut up Archer. Let's go." Lana rolls her eyes and plows through the crowd to grab Archer and move towards the other ISIS agents.

Lana kept a grip on Archer's arm as she pulled him along. It was amazing to her how the kids flocked toward someone dressed like one of the princesses, especially since that one princess was the most infuriating man she had ever known dressed as Jasmine.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh good lord, is it finally over? Can I open my ears and listen finally?" Gillette looked at Cyril with frustration.

Cyril stared at him in shock, his mouth dropping open at the now woman standing opposite of him as they stood in the rat's made of a line a couple families behind the Senator and his family.

"Oh just shut your face Cyril, you look like an idiot with your mouth hanging open like that." Gillette admonished.

"It's just, I mean, uh," Cyril tripped over his words, still in mild shock.

"Oh, shut up." Gillette repeated himself anger ghosting at the edges of his voice. "Have you heard from Archer, Lana or god forbid, Malory?"

"Uh, yeah. Lana and Archer are on their way over. She really needs to learn not to scream into the ear pieces, I think this whole thing has her a little on edge."

Gillette just gives a look of exasperation. "You really think its this that has her yelling at you? The fact that you hit on Krieger's sex hologram, slept with Cheryl and, ugh, Pam as well," Ray shivers at the thought of this, "couldn't possibly be part of her anger, could it. Good god, you really are as clueless as she says you are."

"Lana thinks I'm clueless? She talks to you about me?" Cyril starts gaping at Ray again, earning him a slap across the face. "HEY! What the-"

"Oh shut up, you know what and why I did that. Now shut up and get Lana on the horn, and don't piss her off this time." Ray snaps at him and turns to watch the Senator and his family to be sure they're still safe.

The radio in Barry's hand quacks to life, one of the hidden KGB agents informing him that the senator is in Tomorrowland and that Archer and Lana are moving quickly in that direction. Barry confirms his receipt of the report and he and Katya start pushing through the crowd a little quicker.

As they begin to cross the bridge into the area of the park that is their destination, Katya spots a princess Jasmine being dragged along by a prince Eric.

"Zat iz zem. Archer and Lana. Quick, let us move to take care of zem. Zee others cannot be dat far away. Look. Zere iz a group of people dressed like you, I'll go around to stop zem, while you vill blend in with zees fairies and surprise zem from behind. Don't shoot zem just yet."

Barry joins in with a crowd of Tinkerbells, mostly males in the fairy dresses, a few females. The pulse of the crowd is making its way towards Archer and Lana who despite her pushing through the throng of people are being slowed by multiple children at their feet.

Katya in her Peter Pan costume suddenly bursts out in front of Lana taking the typical pose with his hands fisted on his hips.

"HA! Now we've got you!" Barry shouts in triumph.

"What the fuck is this?" Lana stops moving at the sight in front of her. The Peter Pan in front of her seems familiar but strange at the same time.

"What the- Katya?! What are you doing here?" Archer asks around Lana. "Oh sweetie, its so good to see you…" Archer continues as he pushes his way around Lana. "WOW! Those legs are something else in that getu- OOF!'

Lana punches Archer in his side stopping him from making a bigger fool of himself than he usually does.

"Archer! Now is not the time to be hitting on you EX- Robot fiancee. Or did you forget she like triple crossed us or something like that and is now in charge of the KGB. She's also probably the one that-"

"Called in the threat and is responsible for making the F-Bomb that did this to everyone. Archer interrupts and finishes Lana's sentence.

"F-bomb… Oh that's good." A voice from behind the ISIS agents chortles causing both of them to turn around. Barry stands before them, pistol in hand. "Nice to see you two. How did you get to F-bomb? No, wait, don't tell me, its going to be something stupid knowing you, idiot." He asks Archer.

"Well, BarRY, it isn't stupid. The bomb exploded and the cloud looked like fairy dust. Plus it turned me into a woman. Duh. Its not that far of a stretch." Archer retorts.

"Shut up Archer. In cast you didn't notice, Barry kind of has a gun pointed at us." Lana growls at Archer.

"Oh, woohoo.. He has a gun. So do you genius. Why don't you… Oh." Archer snaps back at Lana then looks at her pointing on of her pistols back at Barry. "When were you going to tell me you were armed Lana!" Archer's voice ascending to a yell.

""WHEN IT BECAME IMPORTANT TO ARCHER. LIKE NOW. SO STOP YELLING AT ME!"

"Oh, haha Lana. Your the on-"

"Zat iz ENOUGH!" Katy interrupts the two agents bickering at each other. They both turn to look at her while Lana keeps her pistol trained on Barry behind them. "Now Archer, you vill know zee pain of being a woman."

Katy approaches Archerand swings back her arm to punch him. Lana grabs her arm, flips her onto her back a moment before she can strike. Then while grabbing and pulling Archer out of Barry's sights, pulls the trigger and looses a rain of bullets into Barry's chest.

"OH MY GOD LANA! You got him. We need to get out of here, or at least to cover to keep from dying. Though more guns would be good too." Archer starts moving away from the two they were just confronted with pulling Lana with him.


	4. Chapter 4

When the gunshots ring out in the air, Ray and Cyril are just entering the building for the ride behind the Senator and his family. The two jump ahead of the people between them, snatching the three and pulling them aside and deeper into the building.

They had decided that if people were going to be shot is wouldn't be them or the people they were supposed to be protecting. As they stood in a hallway away from the outer walls of the building, Lana's voice came to life in Cyril's earpiece.

"Cyril, where the fuck are you? Where is the Senator and the kids? Cyril?!"

"Lana. Lana. We're here. We've got them. What the hell is going on out there? Why is there shooting? Did Archer die?" Cyril responded before Lana shouted at him again.

"Barry and Katya showed up. I shot Barry, but who knows how long that'll la-"

"He's a ROBOT Lana… He's not gonna stay dead. He isn't dead. Can we mo-oof?" Archer could be heard in the background insulting her and railing about Barry.

"Anyways. Get them to a safe place and stay there, we'll take care of them and then be there as soon as we can." Lana finished giving her directions.

Lana and Archer work their way to a door once again marked "Cast Members Only" and duck inside. finding themselves in a security office. The pair are surprised to find a rack of weapons on display. Lana grabs another pistol and Archer only grabs a taser before they launch out of the room to confront the bionic duo hunting them.

Ducking behind a souvenir cart, they peek out to see them heading in their direction. Katy appearing unarmed as before and Barry toting his pistol, shooting a round in the cart's direction as they approach. People run in every direction away from the pair, creating a clear path. Lana stands up and shoots a few more rounds at Barry, causing him to slow down and end up staying shoulder to shoulder with Katya.

Archer leans around the cart and sees the pair. He points the taser at them and pulls the trigger. The electrodes fly out and away from him. One hits Katya the other implants itself into Barry's arm. Holding the trigger, the voltage travels the wire and a shower of sparks flies when it hits each of them. Stopping them in their path and causing them to collapse in a heap one atop the other.

"Well, that was, Wait. I had something." Archer pauses and Lana makes a face at him. "Oh yeah, That was shocking."

Lana rolls her eyes and starts to move away from the cart and towards the building where Ray and Cyril are hiding with the Senator and his family.

Archer stands proud of him self as two people leave the building behind him. One a small mousy guy, the other an extremely obese guy. Both have long hair and are wearing women's clothing. They approach Archer.

"Holy Shitsnacks! What happened here?" The obese guy exclaims.

"Well duh PAM. Uh, something?" The other responds vapidly.

Archer turns towards the two, gaping at the both of them.

"Pam? Carol?"

"Cheryl, ugh." The little one replies. "Archer?"

"Yeah. What? You guys never seen a princess before? And where have the two of you been?" Archer crosses his arms.

"Well, the bomb went off. This happened and well…" Cheryl starts.

"We did what any girl would do if she suddenly had a dick. Jesus Archer. Don't tell me you didn't play with those giant tits you have." Pam finishes.

"Hehe.. Yeah I did. They're awesome. But thats because I'm awesome. Did you see Lana? Her man hands are still HUGE." Archer laughs.

"Where did Lana go?" Pam asks.

"Do I look like her babysitter? I dunno. Probably off to fuck Cyril or something." Archer scoffs.

"Or maybe she went to the roller coaster to do meet with Ray and Cyril and do something with the Senator." Cheryl answers.

"What the hell Cheryl, where'd that brain bomb come from?" Pam asks she and Archer gape at the usually vapid secretary.

"What?" Cheryl responds, confused.

"Well, why don't you go see since you seem to know everything thats going on then?" Pam goads at Cheryl.

"Maybe I will. It's got to be more fun than staring at your fat ass stress eating everything in that cafe we were in." Cheryl insults back.

"Whatever. Just do whatever." Archer rolls his eyes at the pair bickering.

Cheryl moves away down the bridge leaving Pam and Archer standing there. Pam looks Archer up and down.

"Jesus Pam, what?" he asks.

"Nothing, god Archer. Just that you look like something in that freaking outfit." Pam moves closer to Archer. ""So uh… wanna… uh…"

"Jesus Pam. Now I wish I had another taser." Archer responds.

Pam presses against Archer, causing him to move. She presses him against the cart and wraps her arms around him before the both of them are grasping at each other, making out noisily.

Malory is laying on the ground curled into a fetal ball crying until she hears footsteps stop directly in front of her. A bottle lowers down into her line of sight an she grabs it, sits up and starts chugging from it like her life depended on it.

Once she had swallowed half of it down, she looked up to see a tall red haired woman standing there.

"You look like you need this." She smiles.

"Ugh, you have no idea." Malory responds dryly. Accepting the hand offered from the woman to help her up. The two share the bottle as they walk along the pathway. "I'd say thanks, but Malory Archer doesn't DO thanks."

"Hehe. Don't I know it. You've never said it in any of the time I've worked for you." The woman replied.

"Time you've worked for me? What in the hell are you talking about?" Malory squawks.

"All this time and you still don't know my face. See if I come to you the next time you need something?" the woman replies.

"Do I know you?" Malory demands.

"No damn thanks. Its me Krieger. You scream at me on the phone asking me to fix this mess, and once I found the answer, I came down to do that. I'm not going over where the crazy shoot out is, and I know YOU never get involved if you don't have to, and thats when I found you here." Krieger grubbed.

"Well thank god for small miracles. How do we fix this." Malory raises the bottle in a toast before taking another swallow.

"Pam, no. Pam Stop. What the hell.. Oh my god no, stop, oh wait. Yeah, oh yeah. Don't stop thats… Oh god. Yeah, yeah, oh. YES!"

"Now THATS a sploosh!"


End file.
